


Rockstars and Superheros

by RioRiley



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cancer, Cute Kids, Dean Winchester Needs a Hug, F/M, Hurt Dean Winchester, Mentions of Cancer, Protective Sam Winchester, Sick Dean Winchester, Teacher Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:19:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25436797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RioRiley/pseuds/RioRiley
Summary: Sam has a family now. A wife. Three kids. It's been six months since he has seen Dean, and now Dean has come back to Sam's house, come home to die.
Relationships: Sam Winchester/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 45





	1. The Beginning

Sam hears the familiar hum of the Impala in his driveway, and knows that his brother is there. The sound is etched in his memory, and Sam swears he could pick out the car from a few miles away, just by the sound the tires make against the pavement. 

It's been six months since the last time his brother came to visit. The last time was right after his youngest daughter had been born. Dean came to meet her, and bestow upon her an AC/DC onesie that he ventured all the way inside Forever 21, to get her. The onesie itself screamed Dean's name, but knowing he went to the lengths of going inside the mall to get it makes it all the more special. Sam and his wife Kait kept the onesie. It's in a little box in their daughters room, waiting, either for their next child, or just for the sake of the memory to open one day and remember how small she used to be.

Sam has three kids. Dean always knew he wouldn't know any other hobbies aside from the art of baby making after Sam met Kait. Three kids. Dean says that's the perfect number, because with three kids they can always drive whatever car they want. One more and they will have to buy some lame ass mini van. Dean swears he won't associate with his brother if he drives a van. He's joking though. He'd go anywhere, and do anything for Sam, even if he ends up driving a soccer mom van. 

The kids are cute at least. Sam knows Dean has already picked his favorite. He has always had a soft spot for his oldest daughter, Indi. Sam always knew she would remain his favorite, from the moment she was born. Especially considering she was born in the back of the Impala. That wasn't planned. Dean was driving them, breaking all the rules of the road doing his best to get them to the hospital on time, but Indi made her grand entrance into the world, in the back of the Impala, just as Dean was pulling into the hospital parking lot. 

Sam's other two kids never stood a chance after that. That's not to say he doesn't love them, but there's always going to be that connection with Indi. She's twelve now. 

Sam's son, the one and only, is named Bowie. Kait picked the name. Dean thought for sure they were joking when they told him, but as soon as he found out they were serious about it, he decided Kait was the biggest bad ass on the planet. He's five.

Their youngest, is named Jude. After the song their mom used to sing them when they were babies. She's only met Dean once. It wasn't long after she was born when Dean fell off the face of the earth, and just left. Didn't tell Sam where he was going, didn't answer his calls. That wasn't like Dean, he always answered Sam's calls. But for six whole months, Sam heard nothing.

And now here he was, knocking at Sam's door.

Sam goes down his stairs, and opens the big door. The kids are at school, and Kait is off at Target, again. And Dean's here. Sam had started to wonder if he would even ever see him again. And here he was. He looked thinner than usual, but Sam quickly passed that off as him getting more active out on the family business. Maybe he was lifting weights or had finally listened to Sam about eating more salads than hamburgers. Sam was rambling nervously in his head.

Dean looks up at him, and gives him a crooked smile. 

"Hey Sammy." Dean says roughly.

"Just Sam." Sam says firmly.

"Hey. Alright." Dean says with a gruff laugh. 

"Where were you?" Sam asks

"Classified." Dean says quickly.

"Are you alright?" Sam asks.

"You and I both know I never answer that question." Dean says quietly.

"Dean what's going on?" Sam asks

"Sammy I promise I'll tell you. Just give me a couple good hours before I do." Dean says. "Promise."

"Alright Dean. But you'll tell me after dinner." Sam says firmly.

"Can't stay for dinner." Dean says.

"Dean, you've been gone for six months. The kids miss you. It's not any trouble for you to stay. Kait won't mind at all." Sam argues.

"Sam I can't see the kids." Dean says quietly.

"Why not Dean? You think you can just keep this distance and pop in for a few minutes once a year? Not cool." Sam says frustrated.

"Sam it will hurt too bad." Dean says quietly.

"Dean you have to tell me what's going on." Sam pleads.

"You have to promise not to tell the kids, or Kait." Dean bargains.

"Dean I don't keep secrets from her." Sam says.

"Let me be there when you tell her." Dean says.

"Fine." Sam says. "Now will you tell me what's going on?" He asks

"We should probably sit down." Dean says quietly.

"Oh. Yeah, sorry come on inside." Sam says, leading Dean from his porch into the living room. "Are you alright Dean?" He asks.

"I'm dying Sammy." Dean says quietly.

Sam is shocked, and doesn't even process his brothers' use of his nickname.

"What?" Sam asks, hoping he misheard him.

"About a week after Jude was born, I went to the hospital because I had this headache that wouldn't go away, and I figured it was just a really bad concussion." Dean explains. "But it wasn't. It's a tumor. The doctors, best in the country, cut out a lot of it, but within a month it had grown back. So they put me on a high dose of chemo hoping that would do the trick but it didn't. I did the treatments for four months. They told me they weren't working anymore. That it was time for me to accept my fate. So I drove back here, all the way from California. And I know I should have told you. I know I didn't have to do this alone and I'm sorry, but I just really don't want to be alone for the end of it all, please." Dean says quickly and nervously.

Dean runs his fingers through his hair, which is shorter than it has always been, and Sam catches the shiny glint of the scar on his head, it goes across the front of his hairline, and down by where he parts his hair, on the left side. It's gnarly. 

"Dean, I'm so sorry. Please stay here. Stay here with us." Sam says quietly. 

Dean cries first.

He puts his head in his hands, and just starts shaking. 

"How long?" Sam asks quietly.

"Six months at most." Dean says quietly. "Two at the least."

It doesn't take long for Sam to think that through. That Dean won't be here for Christmas, or for Indi's birthday. It hits him that Dean really is dying. That this is it. This is the end.

"Why didn't you call me?" Sam asks

"I didn't want to be a burden. You're my punk ass little brother and I'm supposed to take care of you, and I don't want you to have to worry about me." Dean says quietly. "I didn't want your kids to see me bad." 

"We have a guest room Dean. Please stay here." Sam pleads. 

"I'll stay until it gets bad. I won't let your kids see me go." Dean argues.

"I'm going to try to convince you otherwise, but I'll take that for now." Sam says quietly.

Sam sits down on the smaller couch, next to Dean, and wraps his arms around him, holding him while he sobs.

"I'm so scared Sammy. I don't want to go." Dean says through thick tears.

"It's okay to be scared Dean." Sam says. "I promise it's okay." He takes a deep breath. "You don't need to hide anything from me Dean. Please let me help you." Sam says.

The kids get home at two, with Kait who is back from Target with Jude. Indi runs inside quickly recognizing her uncle's car in the driveway. Sam and Dean are sitting on the couch now, watching an old John Wayne movie, and as soon as the door opens, Dean stands to brace himself for the attack of the mini-sammy hugs. His smile is wide, and happy. Bowie's hair is curly, and brown, and it flops the same way Sam's did when he was little. Jude's getting so big. Dean smiles at her, asleep in her car seat. Indi runs up to Dean, wrapping her arms around him tightly.

"Uncle Dean!!! I missed you!" Indi says excitedly. 

"I missed you too rockstar!" Dean says with a laugh that Sam knows is the most genuine laugh Dean has had in a long time. 

"When can we go take baby for a ride? Daddy says I'm almost big enough to learn how to drive!" Indi says excitedly.

"I think you're big enough to drive your dad's Tesla, but you've got to be a little older to drive my baby." Dean says laughing. Sam and Kait bust up laughing too.

"Dean I'm so happy you're here." Kait says with a smile. "We've really missed you." She says with a genuine smile. She noticed the scar on his head as soon as she walked in, and knows something is wrong. Knows that Sam will need her more than ever. Knows that Dean, who has always been Sam's hero is about to lose this battle.


	2. Hey Jude

Kait makes homemade chili for dinner, with cornbread. It's the first time since the last time that Dean was at their house that he has eaten a home cooked meal. It's also the first time in a while since Dean has managed to keep food down. He gets really bad headaches, because of the tumor, and oftentimes they hurt bad enough that he throws up. But today he seems okay. He feels okay. He's not okay. But he feels okay. After dinner, the kids get ready for bed, Sam promising them that uncle Dean isn't going anywhere, that he will still be there when they wake up.

Then Dean looks at Sam. Sam looks at him expectantly. Kait looks at them knowing they know what she doesn't. 

"Dean, it's okay." Kait says soothingly. "I saw your scar as soon as I walked in. I'm sorry." She says quietly. "Just tell me what I can do to help you."

"There's nothing left to do. It's terminal." Dean says, defeated. 

"Is there anything we need to know, in order to help you? Anything we can do to make you more comfortable?" Kait asks.

"Docs said that as it gets worse, I'll start having seizures." Dean says quietly. Sam looks like a deer in front of bright headlights.

"Okay. We can handle that." Kait says calmly. "Are you in pain?"

"Dean never answers that." Sam says with a slight smile.

"Yeah. Sometimes." Dean says. "I've got meds to help with that." He fiddles around in the black backpack he brought with him, flashing several bright orange pill bottles.

Sam knows Dean far well enough to know that if he is willing to admit to occasional pain, it has to be pretty bad. 

"I really wish you had chosen to tell us sooner Dean. You didn't have to do any of this alone. You shouldn't have done this alone. I think that's what breaks my heart the most." Kait says sincerely.

"I'm sorry Kait. I really am." Dean says quietly.

"What was it like?" Sam asks sincerely.

"What was what like?" Dean asks.

"The past six months." Kait says with a sense of calmness and compassion.

"It was worse than hell." Dean says honestly.

Sam clears his throat nervously.

"They kept me awake during the surgery. Said it was necessary so that they could be sure they didn't affect anything important in my brain while they were slicing and dicing in there. I knew it was all part of the process, but laying there for hours, stuck to a table while these surgeons are digging around in you skull, was worse than anything that happened in hell, by far." Dean says truthfully. "The treatments after were worse than that though. I've never felt so awful. I usually couldn't get out of the hospital bed."

Kait puts her hand on Dean's shoulder. "Dean were here for you." She says firmly. "We love you. The kids all adore you. You can stay here as long as you need."

"I don't want the kids to see me die." Dean says abruptly.

"Dean, we don't want them to see that either. But if the choice is between them seeing some scary things, or you dying alone, I'll gladly get my kids into therapy. I'm not letting you die alone Dean. I can't do that to you." Sam says as tears start to flow down his cheeks. Dean nods, as they hear little footsteps come down the stairs in a rush. Sam's breath catches in his throat, fearing one of his kids overheard the conversation.

"Uncle Dean, you're dying?" Indi asks once she reaches the bottom of the stairs.

"Indi, come here." Kait says quietly. She Pat's the spot next to her on the couch. Indi sits next to Dean instead. She looks at him like an abused puppy.

"Do you remember when you were little, and I used to come over to babysit and tell you scary stories about when your dad and I would get in fights with demons and ghosts?" Dean asks trying his best to explain the situation.

Indi nods. "You always won those fights."

"Yeah. I sure did." Dean says trying to imitate a sense of pride. "But right now, I'm fighting against something, and it's not a curse or nothing. I'm just really sick. And I used all the best options to get better but it's not working anymore." 

"So you're going to lose this fight?" Indi asks.

"Indi." Sam scolds.

"It's okay Sam." Dean assures. "Yeah. I'm going to lose this one. But I've got plenty of time to embarrass you and your dad before I do lose." Dean says with a smirk. He ruffles her hair. Indi leans into Dean. 

Sam starts asking her about school, and all the other things she has done that day to try and distract her from the conversation long enough for her to fall asleep. It only takes about fifteen minutes.

"So what are we going to do?" Sam asks quietly to make sure Indi doesn't wake up again.

"We've got my studio downstairs, that I can move upstairs. We can move the guest bedroom downstairs to make things easier." Kait says quietly.

"Kait, I can handle stairs. You don't have to move the whole house around." Dean says with a little smirk.

"Kait he's okay. The guest room is fine." Sam says.

"Well, it's decorated really feminine right now, so the least I could do is find a less floral bed set." Kait rambles nervously.

"Kait, the house is perfect. Sammy and I have slept in some real ugly rooms over the years. Your house is great." Dean laughs.

"Oh come on those motels were luxurious." Sam laughs.

"Sam, if you compare my house to a damn motel you'll be sleeping on the couch." Kait jokes.

Sam brushes her hair out of her face, and kisses her forehead. Jude starts crying. 

"Can I hold her?" Dean asks.

"Absolutely." Kait says kindly.

Kait goes up the stairs to grab Jude, and Sam follows her, leading Indi back to bed. They are back downstairs after less than two minutes, Jude has stopped crying but still looks far from pleased. Kait holds her out to Dean, who takes her, and holds her. He looks at her. He swears every one of their kids is a carbon copy of Sam. She's beautiful. He holds her, rocking her, and singing the Beatles song to her, her namesake, just like their mom used to.

"You would have been a really good dad." Kait says quietly.

Dean just smiles.

Hey Jude.


	3. Lean on Me

After Jude has fallen asleep, Dean takes her up the stairs, laying her down in her crib. He walks to the guest room. He's slept there before, a handful of times. It's got antique floral bedding that was passed down from Kaits grandma, who according to Sam was a total bitch but she did have a knack for crocheting. He looks at the pictures on the walls. Pictures of Sam and Kait, with their friends. Labor day barbeques spent with the kids. Pictures of Sam holding the babies for the first time. Pictures of birthdays. Dean's in the background of most of them. There are pictures from Sam and Kaits wedding day. Dean was the best man, of course. Pictures of Indi's first day of school. Pictures that document the happy life that Sam made for himself. Documenting experiences that Dean had always wanted to have, but never will. He's never going to settle down and get married. He won't ever own a house, or hear his child's first cry. None of it. Kinda sucks. 

He sits down on the bed, and unlaces his hiking boots, changing into a pair of pajama pants, because he wouldn't dare sleep in his boxers here. Out of respect or whatever. He lays down in the bed, and just stares at the ceiling. There's no going back now. He can't just go back and not tell Sam he's dying. He can't be alone now. And that's all Dean has ever really wanted. Not to be alone in the end.

Sam checks in on Dean about an hour after he has shut his door, to find him fast asleep. He goes back to his room. Kaits sitting on the edge of their bed, in one of his t-shirts. She stands up as he walks through the door, and wraps her arms around him tightly, rubbing his shoulders. 

"I found a hospital in Wichita that's doing experimental treatments." Sam says quietly.

"Sam. Honey I love you. I love you so much. And I love that you won't give up on Dean, but he's tired honey." Kait takes a deep breath. "He's fought really hard for a long time. You both have. Your whole lives. But I think this is really it this time." 

Sam starts to shake slightly. "I could find a healer." He says quietly.

"Sam. You and I both know Dean wouldn't want you making any deals. You can't risk losing everything we have." Kait says lovingly.

"I just can't accept that this is the end. After everything he's been through. That a damn tumor is going to be the thing to take him out." Sam says, sitting on their bed and putting his head in his hands.

"You've got to accept it my love. And you need to figure it out soon. Dean needs you." Kait says, leaning her head on his shoulder.

"I don't know how to help him. There's nothing we can do. I can't just let him die." Sam says softly.

"Sam, I think all he really needs is you. He needs you to be there. That's all. Just be there until it's time for him to go." Kait says. She kisses the top of his head.

"I just have to sit back and watch him die?" Sam mocks, more heartbroken than angry.

Kait grabs Sam. She pulls him close, she holds him tight. He cries. She holds him closer.

"Don't sit back and watch. Just sit with him. He needs you babe." Kait soothes. " Sam I love you. Dean loves you. And I promise this is all going to be okay. I promise that I'll make this okay. You'll be there for Dean. And I'll be here for you. I'll take care of the kids. I'll take care of you. You just need to focus on Dean." She rubs his back more.

In the coming weeks, Dean gets worse. Sam takes a leave of absence at work. Takes a day to send lesson plans to his substitute, and then wishes the young kid luck with teaching his high school history class. Dean has his first seizure on a Tuesday. Of course. He and Sam had just been sitting outside, on the back porch, drinking a couple of beers, which Sam insists he shouldn't be drinking but Dean doesn't see the point in salvaging his liver at this point. He's going to die whether or not he has a few Budweiser's in him. They're sitting there, on the porch. Just talking about life. About menial things, like parent teacher conferences, and what it was like watching his kids grow up. And then Dean just folds forward. 

He folds forward and falls off the chair, onto the wooden porch. There's no warning. One second he seems fine the next he's on the ground having a seizure. Sam gets down on his knees next to Dean.

"Dean!" Sam yells. "Oh shit Dean." Sam takes off his shirt, and bundles it underneath his brothers head. His mouth is trickling blood, from where Sam assumes Dean has probably bit his cheek on his way down. 

Kait hears the commotion from inside her art studio, and heads outside. She helps Sam shift Dean onto his left side, and wipes the blood from his mouth.

"He's going to be okay Sam." Kait says calmly. "This is all a part of his process."

"What are we supposed to do?" Sam asks feeling useless.

"We just have to wait for him to finish. There's nothing we can do." Kait says calmly.

"Seems to be a common response." Sam says sadly.

The seizure only lasts for about two minutes. Once it's finished, Dean stills, and Sam sits next to him, with Dean's head in his lap until he finally opens his eyes.

"Sammy…" Dean slurs.

"Hey brother. You're okay. It was just a seizure. Not even a bad one." Sam lies. "You're going to be okay." Another lie.

"Dean are we okay to move you inside? It's going to rain soon." Kait says calmly.

Dean gives a slight nod, and a grunt, trying to steady himself.

"Hey. Don't move Dean. I've got you." Sam says. Dean wants to argue. Wants to protest that he's a grown ass man, and that he doesn't need to be carried inside, but he honestly doesn't have the strength to argue. 

Sam slides an arm under Dean's knees, and another under his armpit, and carries him inside, and up the stairs to the guestroom, noticing that Bowie's room is wide open. Sam gets Dean down on his feet.

"Dean I'll do all the work for you. I'll hold you up. But I know you don't want the kids seeing you like this." Sam whispers. Dean nods weakly. Dean shuffles his feet, with Sam's arm wrapped tightly around his waist, and Dean's arm around Sam's shoulders. Sam's got all his weight on him, which isn't as much as it used to be. They make it past the kids rooms without incident. Sam helps Dean into his room, and sits him on the edge of the bed, taking off his boots.

"Sammy, I can do it myself" Dean slurs slowly.

"I know you can Dean." Sam assures as he continues to untie the boots. 

"Samm" Dean grumbles.

"I'm almost done Dean, and then you can rest." Sam says quietly. Kait sits down on the bed next to Dean, rubbing his back.

"Sam, did I piss myself?" Dean asks slowly with more shame than Sam has ever heard from him.

Kait looks down, and sees the wet spot. She nods at Sam.

"Dean it's completely normal during a seizure for someone to lose control of their bladder." Kait says quietly.

"Holy shit." Dean says full of shame. He starts to cry. They both know that that's not Dean. That he's tired after the seizure and that his emotions can be shakey for a bit after. But it still breaks Sam to see him cry.

"Dean, hey buddy, let's just get you changed so you can sleep. Please." Sam says.

Dean nods weakly.

"Don't want Kait to see my ass." Dean says tiredly.

"It's going to happen eventually." Kait says with a sweet laugh. She rubs his back once more before leaving the room and closing the door behind her.

She hopes Dean won't remember any of this. She knows it will crush him. Humiliate him.


	4. Closer

The next morning, after Dean has slept for a little over twelve hours, he seems to be doing better. Not great, but better. He wakes up around 3:00 in the afternoon, when Bowie enters his room with a couple of superhero action figures. Bowie climbs up onto Dean's bed, with Spiderman and Ironman. He hands Dean iron man. 

"Hey buddy." Dean says with a tired smile.

"Momma said not to come in here because you don't feel good, but I thought Iron man might make you feel better." Bowie says with his little squeaky voice. 

"Thanks pal. That definitely helped." Dean says smiling. 

A little bit later, Sam and Dean are in the Impala, on the way to Dean's check up. Sam got him to agree to being monitored by a local oncologist once a month, so that they could keep track of what was going on and do their best to make sure Dean stays comfortable. The doctor gives him pain medications, offers advice. Suggests foods, and vegetable smoothies Sam knows Dean won't dare try, to help him feel better. No amount of cancer is going to convince Dean to drink a damn carrot without any real proof of a result. 

On the way home, Sam looks over at Dean, who isn't driving now because of his seizure habit, and he looks tired. He looks worn out, and defeated.

"Have you talked to Lisa about all of this?" Sam asks quietly as he gets on the freeway.

"No. I don't want to get her involved. I can't let her lose me again." Dean says quietly.

"What about Jodi?" Sam asks

"Yeah. I called her about a month after I was diagnosed. She flew out and stayed with me for a while in California." Dean says quietly. "Are you mad about that?" 

"No. I'm just glad to know you weren't alone the whole time." Sam says truthfully. "Where is she now?"

"She said she couldn't keep helping me knowing you didn't know what was happening." Dean says tiredly.

"If she hadn't have said anything, would you have still come here?" Sam asks sincerely.

"No." Dean admits.

"Okay." Sam sighs.

They keep driving. 

"What do you want to do when it gets closer?" Sam asks

"Dying?" Dean clarifies

"Yeah." Sam says quietly.

"Do you remember all the times we talked about taking baby for a ride up the coast?" Dean asks softly.

"Of course." Sam says.

"That's what I want. I want to go for a trip, and once things start getting real bad, you can take me back to the house. I just want to forget about all of this. Stay in some shitty motels. Crack a few beers." Dean says.

"Okay." Sam says softly. "We can do that."

"Thanks Sammy." Dean says.

He leans his head against the window, and falls asleep. Sam keeps driving. He sits. And every now and then he looks over at Dean, who is sleeping peacefully. Based on what the doctor was saying at the appointment, he thinks he and Dean will be taking the trip in about a month. 

They pull into the driveway, Sam places his hand on Dean's shoulder, Dean wakes up. 

"Hey, Dean, we're home." Sam says softly. Dean nods. "How are you feeling?" He asks.

Dean shakes his head.

"Hey man, talk to me. Do you need me to go get you some meds?" Sam asks, turning Dean's face towards him. He is in pain. Sam can see it. 

"Hurts." Dean says breathlessly. He touches his head softly. It's a migraine. He gets the worst migraines.

"It's okay Dean. Let me get you inside. I'll get you some morphine. The kids are asleep. You're going to be okay I promise." Sam says quickly.

Sam helps Dean inside, and grabs him a few morphine pills. He carries the pills to Dean, who is sitting on his sofa. He places the small yellow pills in Dean's hand, and gives him a glass of water. He takes the pills.

"Think I'm just gonna crash here tonight Sammy." Dean says quietly.

"Okay. I'll go grab you a couple blankets." Sam says determined. He comes back with a few pillows, and some blankets. Hands a couple to Dean, and lays a pillow on the ground next to his couch.

"Sammy you don't need to start putting pillows on the ground to cushion my falls." Dean says sadly.

"It's not for that Dean." Sam says with a little smile. "I'll stay with you." Sam sits down on the hardwood floor, and pulls a blanket onto himself. 

Dean wants to cry.

But he can't do that if Sam's here.

Not again.

Not yet.

"Before we go on the trip, can we just do the little things?" Dean asks softly.

"What do you mean?" Sam asks

"I just want to do the little insignificant things with the kids. Take them fishing. Shoot a bb gun. You know, the stuff all the favorite uncle's do." Dean says roughly.

"You're their only uncle Dean." Sam laughs.

"I mean there's Cas." Dean argues.

"The kids know he's just a friend." Sam says. "You're my brother. Always will be." 

"Don't get all sappy on me." Dean says with an exaggerated scoff.

"No chick flick moments." Sam smiles.

There are in reality a lot of chick flick moments. 

A couple days later, on a Sunday morning, Sam wakes the kids up early to go fishing. The sun's not even out yet, because Sam and Dean both know the fish bite better before sunrise, and damn it this is going to be a worthwhile trip. He gets the kids in clothes he knows Kait won't mind being stained. Old shorts. T shirts that have already seen more than a few craft days, and rain boots. Even Dean has shorts on. It makes Sam smile.

They pile into the Impala. Placing a booster seat in the back for Bowie, and drive to a little pond that Dean swears Dad used to take he and Sam to. Sam doesn't remember that, but he goes along with it. There are bugs all around making noises unique to the ones in their yard and Dean can tell that Bowie is absolutely perplexed. With the first ribbit from a nearby frog, Bowie bolts from the car, in search of his very own hunt.

The kind of hunts kids are supposed to have.

Indi follows them at a close pace to the edge of the pond, carrying a couple of camp chairs, while Sam grabs the cooler, which is filled with root beer and sprite. Times have certainly changed.

They set up the chairs, Sam and Dean assemble the poles, and Dean shows Indi how to put the fly on her fly rod.

"So what you gotta do, is rock the pole back and forth. Ten and Two. Like on a clock. And when you get a good swing, you let the line free." Dean says patiently, showing her how to do it all.

Indi does so, she's good with directions. Sam and Dean watch proudly, as there is a tug on her pole. 

"UNCLE DEAN I'VE GOT ONE!" Indi squeals with delight.

"Reel it in!" Sam shouts excitedly.

"Alright, now I'll hold your pole, and you figure out how to get the fish off your hook." Dean says.

"You're not gonna help me?" Indi asks, she looks nervous.

"Of course I am." Dean says full of sass. "Just wanted to see if you'd go for it." He says winking. Sam bursts into laughter, about the same time that Bowie runs over with a large toad in his hands. Dean shows Indi how to get her trout off the hook. It's not a big one, but Indi couldn't care less. To her, it's the biggest damn fish on the planet.

"Are you gonna keep him?" Dean asks.

"And do what with him? I don't have a big enough tank." Indi says, confused.

"Sweetheart, most people eat trout when they catch one." Sam says patiently.

"No. I'll let him go. Let him live a longer life. He deserves it." Indi says sincerely.

"Well Sammy, she's definitely your kid." Dean says under his breath. Sam flicks him, and tosses him a can of sprite.

This is bliss.


	5. HIghway to Hell

There comes a point when Dean starts having three or four seizures in a single week. He has one while he’s playing with Indi, and that's the pint Dean decides he hates dying. Not because of the pain or anything, but because he knows he scared her. He knows that he has scarred her for life and that at this point the idea of her needing therapy eventually for everything she is seeing with Dean is unavoidable. It started off good too. Dean and Indi had been downstairs in the living room with Sam, just listening to music on one of Sam’s new-age streaming services, regardless of the fact that Dean insists music is meant for cassettes. So, they’re sitting there, when Highway to Hell comes on the shuffle, and out of damned nowhere, Dean goes from singing along to staring blank-faced, before face planting into the hardwood floor in front of him. Sam is pretty sure Dean has broken his nose, there’s blood everywhere, and Indi looks absolutely panicked as she looks at her dad to know what to do. 

“Indi, I need you to go upstairs, and tell Mommy that Daddy says Dean is sick,” Sam says softly, as he sits on the floor next to Dean, blood pooling from Dean’s nose.

“What’s wrong with uncle Dean?!” She asks, alarmed. “Why is he doing that?” She cries as Dean’s limbs start to flail.

“Uncle Dean is having a seizure, but it's not his fault. He doesn’t know he’s doing it and he can’t stop. He needs us to help him, okay?” Sam soothes. “You want to help?” He asks gently.

Indi nods her head, as she sucks her bottom lip.

“Okay. I think Uncle Dean hurt his nose when he fell. Can you go get me a towel, so that I can help him stop bleeding?” Sam asks softly. Indi nods and runs into the kitchen as Sam looks down at Dean. Sam needs her gone longer so that she won’t see the worst of the seizure. “I need you to go get one of the black towels from upstairs in Mommy’s bathroom, so the blood doesn’t stain okay?” He asks, and Indi turns around and runs up the stairs. Sam knows she won’t know exactly where to find the black towels, and the fact that Kait doesn’t own black towels, but once Kait asks what Indi is looking for, Kait will know to keep her upstairs for a minute. Sam just pulls off his shirt instead, and puts it underneath his brother’s head, soaking up some of the blood, while cushioning the blow against the floor.

“Dean you gotta snap out of it. I know you wouldn't want her to see this.” Sam pleads to Dean softly. “Things are starting to get pretty bad, right Dean? But the thing is, I’m not ready to lose you. I’m not ready to have to live the rest of my life without your punk ass, and it kind of blows that life went and dealt you a get-out card without me. I guess I always thought we would go down swinging together, one way or another. I never imagined you’d go long before me.” Sam admits softly, as the seizure slows and he pulls Dean’s head into his lap. 

“You ready to go on that road trip yet brother?” He asks softly, Dean still not out of his post-seizure state. “I’m ready to take your ass to the beach. Get your ass in some swim trunks and make you swim in the ocean or some shit. You wanna go west coast or east coast?” Sam asks, knowing Dean still isn't even awake, “Because the thing about the west coast, is we could hit the Grand Canyon on the way. I’ve always wanted to see that with you. And Baby would look badass there. I know you’d love all the kids gawking at her there, almost as much as you’d love seeing all their dad’s wishing she was theirs instead of the minivans they all ended up with.” Sam laughs continuing to talk to himself. Dean starts to Stir, and Sam can see the exhaustion in his eyes.

“What do you say we start packing for that road trip?” Sam asks, looking down at his brother.

“You ready?” Dean asks, through a barely audible slur.

“Don’t think I could ever be ready for this one.” Sam admits. 

“We all die eventually Sammy.” Dean says with a sad smile.

“Us Winchester’s never die.” Sam winks. Dean smiles. 

“Where we going?” Dean asks. Sam wants to tell him West Coast, to go see the Grand Canyon in all its glory. But they both know that, as dean would say, with as many potty breaks as Sam takes, they wouldn't make it to the grand canyon before Dean died, and as much as Sam wants to honor Dean’s wishes, he doesnt really wan to haul Deans dead corpse halfway across the country. Then again, theres the option of burying him along the way, giving him a proper hunters funeral, but the lifestyle almost seems foreign to Sam now, and he doesnt want o light his brothers body on fire no matter how much dignity is associated with the process.

“What about Maine?” Sam suggest finally.

“If we go to Maine, you have to promise me something.” Dean says with a little smile.

“Anything Dean.” Sam says through a sad knowing smile.

“Promise me that when the kids are a little bit older, you’ll take them to see the grand canyon.” Dean says softly. “I dont really care to have a bucket list of things to do me and you before I go, but I want you to do fun things with the kids. Be a dad. You’re a damn good dad Sam. Im proud of you.” Dean says tiredly.

“Im proud of us.” Sam says, smiling. “I’ll go pack us each a bag.” He says softly.

“Alright.” Deans says, steadying himself before sitting back on the couch. “Sam?” Dean asks.

“Yeah Dean?” Sam asks.

“Indi saw all that didn’t she?” Dean asks. Sam clears his throat.

“Yeah. Kaits got her.” Sam says softly. “She’ll be okay. She’s tough. Must have gotten that from you.” Sam says.

“Send her down here, as long as I didn't scare her off.” Dean says softly. Sam nods, and walks up the stairs. Kait has Indi in the master bedroom, up on their bed. Indi is crying.

“Hey, Indi. Deans better now.” Sam says, setting on the bed. She nods her head. “I’m sorry you had to see that sweetheart. Uncle Dean is sorry too. He didn't mean it.” Sam says softly. “He want’s to talk to you if you’re ready.” 

“He’s not shaking anymore?” Indi asks softly.

“Nope. He’s okay.” Sam says softly. “He’s sick sweet girl. He cant help it when he shakes like that.” Sam explains.

“Is he gonna die soon Daddy?” Indi asks. Sam nods his head, admitting the truth not only to Indi but to himself. 

“Yeah. Soon.” Sam admits.

“How soon Daddy?” She asks.

“We’ll, daddy and uncle Dean, are going to leave on a little road trip, and then once we come home, Uncle Dean will probably go.” Sam admits softly.

“Here?” She asks.

“I dont know. Dying isn't sometinhg that you can really count on happening on a schedule.” Sam says. Indi nods.

“I’m gonna go downstairs and make sure Uncle Dean knows im not mad at him.” Indi says softly before getting off of Sam and Kaits bed. She runs down the stairs and hugs him, tightly, telling him she loves him.


	6. I wanna Hold Your Hand

Sam loads Dean, their bags, and a wheelchair -just in case- into the Impala on a warmer fall morning. The weather is pretty nice. The sky is cloudless, and the sun shines the kind of warmth that makes people a little happier. Dean is doing good, all things considered. Sam knows the end is coming, and neither of them knows how closely it follows them, as they set out on their drive. Dean is sitting shotgun in the impala, which feels alien to Sam. The car is used to having Dean at the wheel, the seat worn-in in the places that it is used to having deans form. There’s an indent formed from where Dean’s wallet is normally sandwiched between him and the seat. Sam feels the dent against his wallet-less self, knowing it's his brother who made such an impression. Dean always was the one to leave impressions on people. And, Sam can’t blame them, Dean is something special.   
Sam looks at Dean, who after twenty minutes of their car ride, has already fallen asleep against the cool window. Sam looks up at the freeway signs, and for a split second, Sam reconsiders the idea of going to Maine, because honestly, who gives a shit about Maine. He turns the car around and heads towards Arizona. Dean wakes up at the sudden jolt of the impala making a U-turn.

“Forget something, Sammy?” Dean asks softly.

“Promise me you’ll make it to Arizona,” Sam says softly.

Dean smiles, leans his arm over, and grabs Sam’s hand. It might go down in history as the most chick flick thing that Dean has ever done. He’s never done that before, and it's something that deep down Sam always craved. They were never really the touchy-feely type growing up, hugs were reserved for the worst of times, and the first time Sam remembers hugging Dean when they were both happy was at Sam’s wedding.

“I promise Sam,” Dean says softly. 

“And, you gotta promise to be honest with me,” Sam says softly.

“What do you mean?” Dean asks, looking at Sam as Sam focuses on the road ahead.

“Dean, I know you’re in pain. And I have meds to help you feel better when you’re hurting, and I know you hate taking pills, but you have to promise me that you’ll tell me if it gets too bad. I don’t want you to be miserable, not now.” Sam says softly.

“Sam, I don’t want to be passed out the whole trip,” Dean says softly. “This is our clast chance.”

“Dean, Id rather you sleep than be in pain,” Sam says softly. “I promise, I could just wake you up if we’re somewhere worthwhile,” Sam says.

“Sam, that's the point, I want to be around for all of this. All the in-between destinations. I want to be able to just talk to you. I want to be able to see these things with you.” Dean pleads.

“Can I at least convince you to take them before you go to sleep at night so you’ll at least sleep well?” Sam asks Dean nods.

“Yeah. I can do that.” Dean says. “What do you think’s gonna happen to me, Sam?” Dean asks quietly.

“You’re going to sit your ass in that seat and enjoy the view.” Sam smiles, looking at Dean, Dean laughs.

“You think Chuck will just let me relax in Heaven in peace?” Dean asks. Sam clears his throat.

“I think he owes it to you,” Sam says. “I think you’ve done enough for Chuck, that he owes it to you to let you rest, at least until I get up there,” Sam says.

“Then what?” Dean laughs.

“We go raise some hell or something.” Sam laughs.

“No. I think we both can just chill out, spend some time just relaxing, and enjoying good things instead of being surrounded by so much bad. We’ve done enough for Chuck, you’re right.” Dean says softly.

“I bet Mom and Dad will be proud of you,” Sam says softly, looking over at Dean. Dean smiles.

“You know, I never told you, but I always hated Dad for the way he treated you. You never deserved any of it, and deep down I was so damn happy for you, that you found a way out.” Dean admits. Sam nods. “Sam, you were a damn good kid.”

“That means a lot Dean,” Sam says softly.

“I need you to know that I mean it. I’m sorry for never protecting you against dad.” Dean says softly.

“Dean, I always felt safe with you. I always have.” Sam says softly.

“If I’ve got any control upstairs, ill always keep you safe,” Dean says with a smile. Sam knows it's a promise.


	7. Leavin' on A Jetplane

The drive from Lawrence to The Grand Canyon should, legally speaking, be a 17.5 hour drive. Sam makes it there in 15 hours, because there are a few middle of nowhere spots in Kansas and Colorado that Sam knows he can get away with speeding through. They pull into a little motel, just outside the national park around dinner time. Sam promises Dean he will take him the next day to see the canyon, since they won’t be able to see it in the dark. Sam has brought along a wheelchair to make things easier on Dean, and he unloads it before unloading any of their bags at the motel. Dean nods at him, in a form of thanks. 

“They don’t have any double beds left, so ill sleep on the floor.” Sam says softly.

“No, Sam it's fine. Just don’t cross onto my side of the bed.” Dean laughs. Sam smiles. He wants to remember that laugh forever.

“Let me get you inside, so you don’t get cold out here.” Sam says softly to Dean, as he opens the passenger door to the impala. He holds both of his arms out to Dean, who takes them, and then Sam helps him to stand, and sit in the chair before pushing him inside their room for the next couple of days. 

“It’s not even cold out there.” Dean smiles tiredly.

“Yeah, I know, but if I leave you out there while I’m unloading things, I know you’ll try to help carry something in, and you don’t need to be doing that,” Sam says softly. Dean chuckles, watching as Sam leaves the room, to grab their bags from the impala. Once he has brought them all inside, Sam sits down on the bed. “Are you up for some dinner?” Sam asks. Dean shakes his head.

“I’m not really hungry Sammy.” He says softly.

“Dean, you’ve been saying that all day,” Sam says, quite frankly worried. “There’s a diner that does delivery down the street. Can I at least order you some fries?” He asks.

“And a bacon cheeseburger,” Dean says softly. “Even if I can’t eat much of it, I just want to smell it again.”

“Okay. I can do that.” Sam says softly. He heads outside to call the diner and make the order but finds himself calling Kait first.

“How is he?” Kait says as soon as she answers the phone.

“He hasn’t eaten all day, and barely drinks anything.” Sam says softly.

“Any seizures today?” She asks

“Thankfully no.” Sam says softly.

“Not eating is part of the end Sam. Don’t force him to eat anything.” She says softly. “I love you Sam Winchester. More than anything.” Kait says softly. “Enjoy this time with him, and try not to worry if you don’t have to.”

“I love you,” Sam says softly, before hanging up the phone and calling the diner to place their order.

The next morning, Dean wakes up earlier than he has in a long time. It's also the first time in a long time that he has woken up and not been in any pain. It's a good day. Sam helps him into the Impala, and they make it to the grand canyon, to the north rim, just before sunrise. It's the most beautiful thing Sam and Dean have ever seen. The way that the colors slowly fade up the hole in the ground, cascading, as the shadows of the night reveal upon layer after layer of beautiful red rock in the morning sun.

“You know, as much of a dick as Chuck is, he did make some pretty cool things,” Sam says, sitting on a bench overlooking the rim, next to Dean in his wheelchair.

“Yeah. He might not have been good to all the people, but he sure did know how to make a hell of a landscape.” Dean smiles. “It's bigger than I could have ever imagined.”

“Yeah. Pictures don’t do this justice do they?” Sam laughs.

“I can’t believe that as much as we were on the road with Dad, he never took us here,” Dean comments softly.

“He never was one for pit stops.” Sam smiles.

“Promise me you’ll take your family to see this.” Dean says softly.

“Promise.” Sam says. “So what do you want to do now?” He asks.

“We probably should head back to your place.” Dean says softly.

“Were booked for two more nights at the motel.” Sam reminds him.

“Sammy, I don’t want to die in that hotel. I’ve spent so much time in hotels throughout my life, and I don’t want to run the risk of dying in one.” He says softly. Sam nods, understanding that Dean knows the end is coming. They get back to the Motel, and Sam puts their bags back into the Impala, loading everything in, before helping Dean in and grabbing the wheelchair.

“Leave the chair here.” Dean laughs.

“What?” Sam clarifies.

“I never wanna see that thing again.” He laughs.

Sam parks the wheelchair outside the motel door, and heads back home to Lawrence, knowing he is taking Dean home to die.

"So you think it's getting close?" Sam asks, looking like a beaten puppy as he drives, stealing a glance towards Dean.

"Yeah. I can feel it. Feels like I'm barely holding myself together." Dean says softly.

"I can't believe you're really going to go." Sam says softly. Dean clicks on the radio, which plays Leaving on a Jet Plane by John Denver. The song isn't about dying, but here and now, that's exactly what it feels like it's about, especially as Sam sits there, listening to Dean hoarsely sing along.

I'm leaving, on a jet plane, don't know when ill be back again, oh babe I hate to go.


	8. Travelling Riverside Blue

Once Dean has fallen asleep on the drive, Sam calls Kait, and puts her on speaker. Safe driving habits and all.

“Hey babe, we’re on our way home.” He says softly.

“Is he okay?” She asks. It takes everything in Sam not to break down in tears on the phone. 

“It’s getting close,” Sam says softly. Dean stirs. Sam doesn’t know it, but he’s been awake the whole time.

“Do you want me to have my mom come and get the kids for a week or so?” Kait asks softly.

“I don’t wanna scare ‘em, Sammy,” Dean says softly. Sam is surprised by Dean’s sudden joining of the conversation.

“You won’t scare them, Dean. They love you. I just want you to be comfortable, so do they, and so does Sam.” Kait says softly.

“What if they stay for a little while once we get back, and once things start going downhill quickly, we’ll have Kait’s mom come get them?” Sam asks, looking over at his brother. Dean nods. “Alright Kait, we’ll see you all tomorrow,” Sam says softly.

“See you then. Is there anything you want me to have ready for you Dean?” Kait asks.

Dean shakes his head.

“He’s okay,” Sam says softly.

They all know that's a lie.

Dean sleeps for the rest of the 15 remaining hours of their drive. Sam doesn’t speed on the way home. It makes things longer, and even though he knows it won’t change the outcome, he doesn’t want to speed home, because he feels like he will have less time with Dean. Sam drives straight through. He looks over at Dean so often you’d have thought he was anxiously checking a blind spot, and in a way, he is. He doesn’t know how he is going to make it through the rest of his life without his brother. Yes, he has his family, and he loves them more than anything, but the thought that there’s going to be so many memories that Dean won’t be around for, so many bad days where no matter how bad Sam wants to talk to Dean, he won’t be able to answer. He sees himself calling Dean’s phone, just to hear the answering tone, and knows that eventually, that will stop too, he knows that there will come a time when Dean will cease to exist. There will come a time when Dean’s Zeppelin tapes won’t play in the impala anymore when he will no longer be able to hear the sound of the tape playing Travelling Riverside Blue, while picturing Dean in the driver’s seat. There will come a time when the familiar hum of the impala will signal it's own demise. And he’s heard you can keep people around in your heart, but if that was true Dean could never leave. He’s affected so many lives, who didn't even know it, that the entire population owes him their lives. It breaks Sam’s heart knowing that aside from Indy, his kids are too young to be able to remember Dean.   
Sam’s heart sinks once he sees the freeway exit for home, knowing that this will be the last time he and his brother drive together. He takes the exit and drives around town for a while after waking Dean up. 

“You know I love you right Sammy?” Dean says softly.

“Yeah,” Sam says softly. “I know you do,” Sam says.

“Then just take me home Sam. It’s okay.” Dean says softly. Sam nods.

He turns around and starts the drive home. They pass a gas station near his house, and Dean looks over at him.

“You know, before I came back, I must have sat at that gas station for hours, trying to figure out how to tell you I was dyin’,” Dean says softly. “I was so scared Sammy. I was so scared that you’d be mad, or that you wouldn't let me stay. I was so scared. I’m still so scared Sam, I don’t wanna die.” Dean says softly. Sam pulls into the gas station parking lot so that he can hug his brother.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! So I'm in college, and I've written an actual book. Like paper. Physical copy book. I have lived writing on Ao3, and I owe the world to my people here who have read the things I have written. It means the world.
> 
> Check out my book:   
> https://www.blurb.com/b/10367532-sicker


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